Nevada County, CA — 14 minutes and 26 seconds ticked off the clock as District 3 Nevada County Supervisor Dan “Stink-eye” Miller, smelling of sweat and determination, eyed the fearful constituent, but it paid off when the 63-year-old Rough and Ready woman finally burst into tears. “It was all worth it for the victory,” Miller chortled. “It is especially fun when I can make women cry. I feel tremendous power in that.”
Since the January 2014 election of Stink-eye Miller, the un-official competition, “Elected Who Stare at Constituents,” has been held at each Nevada County Supervisors meeting where local constituents dare challenge the elected body. Today’s unwitting contestant had the audacity to suggest taxpayer dollars should not be spent in retaliation against fellow citizens.
Four highly trained referees were brought in from the Roller Derby Club to monitor the stare-down.
“We don’t let it get nasty to the point of attorney general intervention—we like to stop just short of that.” Referee Stare Master, himself a professional starer and sometimes stalker, commended Miller’s technique. “When an elected official is using stare-downs as a means to intimidate constituents it can be kinda tricky. You need to know when it might get caught on camera or when someone from the state might be watching.”
Around 45 people gathered for the stare-off in County Supervisor Chambers. County employees, downtrodden and blood-thirsty, initially offered encouragement by shouting jibes at the Rough and Ready resident, but the crowd became fidgety and impatient toward the 8-minute mark – at which the known Guinness World Record for a staring competition is held – and at around the 12-minute-mark, even Stink-eye admitted to boredom.
“It felt like I was getting a tattoo on my eyeball,” Miller whined at around 13 minutes.
But with cheers from fellow Supervisors and the occasional chant of support in the audience, he held his game. Stink-eye Miller admitted that even he was impressed by the new record set this morning. Proudly he exclaimed, “No one’s ever beaten me – apart from my mirror.”
Always looking for the next opportunity, Miller hopes to audition for the lead in the sequel to The Men Who Stare at Goats, a parody on a former US military initiative using the paranormal to kill goats by staring at them. Miller has been practicing his death stare for 67 years to no avail, but gave it his very best attempt on Tuesday when staring down the terrified constituent in board chambers.
Following a less than stellar box office performance with The Men Who Stare at Goats, producers of the movie sequel are seeking an actor lacking George Clooney’s charm, grace and good looks, which they feel diverted attention from the plot of the first film.
“George is too nice for such a role,” smirked Stink-eye. “You have to really want the subject you’re staring at to die, which is why I will be perfect for the lead in the sequel.”