Nevada City, CA — Bewildered Yuba River Charter School (YRCS) administrators revealed on Thursday that nearly half of their middle school population has contracted the somewhat archaic sexually transmitted disease of syphilis in the last month.
“We’re stunned,” offered a visibly perplexed Rusty Pipes, principal of YRCS. “There is literally no unifying characteristic of our student body that could cause such an outcome. I mean, sure, our after school bareback sex club is quite popular, but that’s totally organic.”
The news comes as the latest in a series of body blows for the beleaguered YRCS, following closely on the heels of both a measles outbreak and their now annual wave of whooping cough. And, though some wags were quick to point to the school’s mind-numbingly low vaccination rates and dub March as “Easily Preventable Disease” month at YRCS, parents at the popular local charter school hastened to note that the school remained proudly polio-free.
“It’s easy to point fingers and snipe,” remarked a somewhat defensive YRCS parent, Lazarus Stonemaker. “But the truth is that the vast majority of our kids do not experience burning sensations when they urinate and are, in fact, way healthier than the average Mumbai street orphan.”
But, alas, perhaps not as well-educated. Standardized test data has not been kind to YRCS’s adaptation of the Waldorf model in recent years, especially since the school pioneered its controversial “Education Optional” paradigm starting back in 2010.
“It’s a fascinating test bed,” remarked noted ethnologist, Lars Oberstrumpet. “The percentage of families at YRCS exercising personal belief exemptions and choosing to forego an otherwise state-required minimum education is really quite remarkable. The bareback sex must be excellent.”
When asked why families from overwhelmingly college-educated, upper middle class backgrounds would choose such a path, Oberstrumpet was quick to note the cognitive dissonance in play. “What we see is a well-educated, well-meaning group of people making choices that are directly inimical to both their own ability to thrive as well as the greater good. There are parallels here with both Dave Matthews Band fans and, ironically, Trump voters.”
For YRCS supporters, though, now was certainly not the time to lay blame or cite commonly available research from the medical and scientific community. YRCS PTA President, Kieran Redwood, announced that the school would be holding a series of shamanic symposiums designed to “promote sympathetic vibrations with the afflicted,” and presumably raise money for penicillin. “It’s time to let the healing process begin for head, hearts, and hands,” soothed President Redwood. “And genitals. Especially genitals.”
Despite an infection rate not typically seen outside of sub-Saharan Africa, an undeterred Principal Pipes stated that the barebacking would continue as scheduled. “Condom use is a dangerous charade foisted on a trusting public too lazy to research the connections between latex exposure and psoriasis. Your good thoughts, best hopes, and steadfast conviction that infectious diseases do not apply to you are all you really need to stay safe.”
“VD is something that happens to other people,” concurred President Redwood. “People who don’t live in such a beautiful place and attend our remarkably well-funded school. After all, many of us went to college and now earn large, untaxed incomes. And there’s a river here, for crying out loud!”
Some local citizens, however, were not so charitable in their opinions when contacted for their thoughts on the story:
- “I’d like to build a Visually Important Ridgeline around the whole damn place,” ranted Nevada County Supervisor, “Grand Slam Dan” Miller. “Fucking bunch of snobs.”
- “We are already putting in contingency containment plans for the entire area,” reassured Nevada County Sheriff Robocop, Keith Royal. “The MRAP is gassed up and ready to go. It’ll be a shock and awe gig, start with the tear gas, follow up with the flash-bangs. Zip-tie cuffs for the kids, standing stress positions for the teachers. Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy. And no outdoor marijuana growing either.”
- “Podunk,” wheezed Local blogger and former Union editor, Jeff Pelline, the Purple Punjab of Local Punditry. “Aging and declining, too. This is what happens when I no longer work at The Union.”
- “I’m personally in favor of bareback sex,” remarked Nevada County Scooper Publisher, Randall Finkelstein. “But then again, I’m a fish. And Lou’s had the clap since, like, 1992.”
- “I’m, like, half-done with my protest song for this shameful shit, man,” lamented Pythagorean Bogina bandleader, Moonash. “But that’s good enough for me.”
Stay tuned as the Scooper continues to monitor this developing story. From a safe distance. While wrapped in a full-body condom.