Palo Alto, CA — After a one year study, the Palo Alto, California-based Rundex Family Foundation has published a report which confirms what many researchers have suspected: most Internet users are not reading articles on social media. Many users have already made up their mind after reading a headline or seeing a fantastical and misleading featured image. The study, which was co-sponsored by The New Yorker magazine and Facebook, attempted to understand the click-through rates (CTRs in Internet jargon) on popular social media posts.
“Yeah, it turns out that most people don’t even bother to click-through a post on social media,” said lead researcher Robert Colvin of Rundex. “Most people have already made up their minds about what they believe and they are looking for headlines and featured images that already agree with them. It also works when they come across something that doesn’t jibe with their belief system. Either way, they have default reaction already queued up in their head. So it doesn’t matter what the issue is. Whether it’s pro-guns or anti-guns, for or against the government, or any other number of hot-button issues, no one is actually reading anything.”
Many researchers criticize the failures of the Internet, often citing its failed promise of democratized information leading to advancements for humanity. In their views, just the opposite seems to have happened.
“In the early days of the Web, we were so optimistic that it would break through the stranglehold on information,” said University of Chicago Professor James Badwater. “But what we didn’t figure in was the necessary discipline needed to parse and sort through the news of the day. So what seems to happen is that people have coalesced into ‘information tribes’. They let others scare the bejesus out of them with fallacious facts, and once in that state of fear, they can convince or program them to think in certain ways. It makes people feel self-satisfied in a way that also makes them docile to authority. Or sometimes it makes them reactionary buffoons for certain issues like raising taxes, even though they may be the beneficiaries of such actions.”
Because of these recent findings, Palo Alto, California-based Facebook, has been considering charging certain user demographics an access fee for their services due to numerous complaints from their business partners that consumers are not clicking-through to their websites.
“We’ve been listening closely to what our advertisers have said,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg late last week after reviewing the Rundex study. “So to maintain value, we’re planning on rolling out a new ‘pay-to-play’ fee for Facebook’s heaviest, but non-clicking users. This pilot program will begin in Kansas City, Missouri, Ann Arbor, Michigan and Nevada County, California. These communities tend to use Facebook without giving back to our advertisers.”
According to a memo released by the social media giant, fees will range from $1.00 for “light users,” to as much as $20.00 per month for people who “spend too much god-damned time on the Internet.”
After reviewing the 365 page report from the Rundex Family Foundation, the Scooper has summarized some of its chief findings:
- 92% of Nevada County Scooper Facebook fans don’t click-through to read articles, but interestingly leave 10 times more snarky comments than its competitors
- 95.2% of The Onion Facebook fans don’t click though to their website
- 88.3% of Reinette Senum’s Facebook followers DO click-through on her shares, which suggests that she’s become the authority on several topics
- 45% of Facebook users have cured their cancer simply by reading Facebook headlines
- 88% of the same cancer Facebook users have died within 6 months of being cured
- Articles and posts about accordions have an almost unheard of 98.3% click-through rate, leading researchers to speculate that we are on the precipice of an accordion revolution
- 912 amateurs have poured a new foundation for a home simply by looking at Facebook featured images
- 865 of the same people have had their homes condemned by housing authorities
- 56% of Facebook users have become “more aware” of the dangers of “Big Pharma” and Dr. Oz because of the social network’s compelling and misleading images.
- And a bit of a shocker: cat popularity has dropped by 76% since cats became the most looked at thing on Facebook.
Here is 24 minutes of cats doing stupid things. Why? Because you made it this far in the article.