Grass Valley, CA — With his patented shit-eating grin at the head of the column, the publisher of The Union Jim Hemmings recently proudly announced he was outsourcing local printing The Union to the Sacramento Bee and eliminating about a dozen jobs at the paper.
Since he took over about a year ago, Hemmings has repeatedly embarrassed the editorial integrity of his entire news department with his blatantly one-sided columns on alleged crimes and dirty politics.
Seemingly now, in another attempt to “improve” (the bottom line of) the newspaper, Hemmings has managed to alienate the newspaper’s bedrock “aging demographic” by eliminating television listings.
What’s next, the obits?
In a desperate attempt to prove somebody still likes him, Hemmings went out in search of an actual satisfied reader to take a selfie with. (After all, the selfie with the confused cowboy with almost the same last name went over so well.)
His first choice, his good friend Lou LaPlante of the Scooper was lost in the ozone at the time hunting leprechauns, so he tracked down average reader Maynard Crowe, 51, who lives “around here.”
HEMMINGS: Tell me, Maynard, what’s your favorite part of the paper?
CROWE: The comics.
HEMMINGS: Who do you like? Dilbert, Garfield?
CROWE: No, I meant the editorial page. I love reading what stupid people say about things they don’t know anything about. I love your column.
HEMMINGS: Um, thank you?
CROWE: Why’d you take the TV listings out?
HEMMINGS: It was, um, a cost-saving measure, and uh, I thought nobody would care. Why? Do you miss the listings?
HEMMINGS: See. I was right.
CROWE: I don’t have a TV
HEMMINGS: Well, there you go.
CROWE: My mother and her friends are heartbroken. Maybe you read about it in the paper? They had a letter writing party.
HEMMINGS: Yes, yes. We’re not afraid of criticism.
CROWE: Good, because you’re getting a lot of it.
HEMMINGS: Well, heh, thank you, Maynard, for your thoughtful input – and thank you for being a loyal subscriber.
CROWE: I’m not a subscriber.
HEMMINGS: But you said you read it every day?
CROWE: Yeah, I steal it off my neighbor’s porch and read it before she gets up, and then I put it back.